Lüfthildis and Husband; walking up to the flat can be some kind of an issue.

A staircase?! Lüfthildis’ face changed colour within seconds. Slowly approaching the stairs, she continuously repeated: “Love is there an elevator?” Husband did not really understand why she was asking, as they usually live on the third floor without an elevator. He repetitively tried to find out what was going on but Lüfthildis stuttered and there was no reasonable sentence coming out of her mouth. Lüfthildis started plucking parts of her cloth up and others down. Her knees were shaking like an oxtail. She was whispering to husband: “My over-knees are gliding down” her voice was chocked and her face was pulsing and her ears, which are sticking out always must have been blinking red. She could feel her blood being pumped into her head with the velocity that she normally speaks with. Husband asked again: “Love why do you need an elevator?”

Lüfthildis sooooo nervous, being very concentrated on not falling, ripping her skirt in two, ruining her sacred over knees, breaking her heels of the pimp-up-my-outfit shoes and finally thud her knees open with this extra feminine: “fuuuuuuuuuuuu.k”, didn’t hear husband. When women try to be feminine no matter in which situation they already walk very awkward. It looks like their elbows are glued to their waistline, their legs are having a rubber-band around the knees and their bottom was made of jelly, moving contrariously to the rest of their body. Very interesting is also that is no question of body measures. It seems like we think the bigger our bums the smaller it seems when you swing it. Does a 10 year old seem like a newborn when sitting on a swing? You for sure know the difference in voice, language and form of expression when they fall but you should see the change of personality as soon as they walk around the corner and there is nobody masculine around. Women fart! We do, believe me and some of us pick their noses, many of us would even scratch our balls if we had some.

When women walk female and turn around the corner and feel safe, they walk like elephants that just fell from horses. There is nothing like grace when we are by ourselves! As soon as a man walks around the corner we start searching for the pervert that just burped. If we are asked what was that, we lie! We say stuff like: “oh yes, he just walked around the corner down the road“ even in a blind alley- of course, he burped grew wings and flew off, that is what these guys do! That is something about Lüfthildis that makes her different to the other women, she is who she is and she doesn’t care who is around but that did definitely not help in this particular situation.

Husband touched her arm and asked her: “What is wrong?” This sigh, coming out of Lüfthildis’ half opened mouth signalled there was something happening that Lüfthildis was aware of but she doesn’t know how to help herself. She turned and said with this squeaky voice, that women normally only get when they broke a fingernail in public: “Love my over-knees are moving” the desperate look on her face made clear this is serious, “and they are not crawling upwards!”

From upstairs you could hear mother-in-law calling with a tender voice that they should come up-stairs. Desperation! What can one do in such a situation- just be feminine, pull up your skirt and grab your over-knees like they were 10kg bags of stone and pull them up all the way. Whilst doing that, pray that nobody can see you or even more Lüfthildis-like, think about the fact that someone might see you when you already did it! Husband, the man of honour- hers and his- stood there laughing and said: “Ok, now I got it, love; just leave it. You will see it doesn’t matter, just go!” Lüfthildis didn’t hear anything but her blood whooshing in her ears, her heart beating like hell. It sounded like children running up and down the staircase- they must have made the way up and down at least 27.9 times. Lüfthildis got her guts together and started climbing the stairs.

At the entrance there was husband’s adorable mother already waiting and his father was standing right behind her. There were these sweet and gentle people waiting for husband and Lüfthildis and her heart was pounding so badly against her chest that she thought one can see it through her boring outfit. Husband’s parents gave Lüfthildis THE hug and THE warmest welcome she ever experienced. They walked inside the apartment and mother suggested Lüfthildis a pair of slippers, comfortable ones. She of course had to deny them.

She eventually conjured the ultimately uncomfortable shoes in the entire world out of the handbag that other people would use to move their apartment. With this enormous smile on her face she took the boots off that husband painted before – in her feminine manner. Lüfthildis was bending forward until she almost kissed the ground. Half way she remembered she is wearing a skirt, which does not really make her pose appropriate, so the smile enlarged out of shame but she finally hunkered down. Women being insecure tend to forget their gender! They leave their education in front of the door! Some never get it back. I think it just runs away or hitch hikes to a woman knowing how to treat it right. Thank God this time Lüfthildis heard it knocking on the entrance door. She put the “pimp-up-my-outfit-shoes and all of a sudden she was almost 2m tall.

Husband gave mother the hard-earned flowers and they all wanted to approach the living-room except for Lüfthildis. She decided nothing in the world could be that smooth, she can not possibly drop out a moment to make a fool out of herself. After making the master plan she found the perfect opportunity. She limped from the spot she put the shoes on over to the door. She limped because her feet were killing her right when these huge feet were squeezed into these feminine super-high-heeled tip toe shoes- this is how we do it! We don’t judge the way something looks when we move. No; everything we wear has to be awesome when we stand! We don’t walk up and down in front of our mirrors, so how would we know? We expect to be provided somebody to carry us from A to B! She approached the door far faster then planned and far less feminine. But she knows how to improvise, so she went for a better way of stumbling or even falling if the time allows her. She took the chance to trip over father’s shoes that were standing next to the door. Oh yesss! That is a good and an effective way to catch attention and it always gives a clear sight of your grace! The first thing Lüfthildis was checking was her over-knees. Women don’t avoid dropping a brick, we are go-getters. Lüfthildis is the champion when it comes to putting her foot into someone’s mouth and she seems to like it there so she makes the other foot join the party. Then THE THING happened!

to be continued…

Tomorrow: “delicious food, beautiful flowers” in Lüfthildis and husband; dinner at 6PM.


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